BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump has announced the end of his campaign for the presidency.
In a press conference this morning the Donald revealed that, like his steaks and vodka, the whole thing was a joke he started last year.
Trump opened up about the plan in a press conference this morning:
“I said to myself, you know what’s wrong with the world…nobody does a good April Fool’s joke anymore. Nobody! Except maybe China, with their currency…maybe Jeb Bush. But nobody does a good joke anymore. So I thought I’d give it a shot, but honestly, I didn’t think it would go this far. So last April, we laid the groundwork, and top comedians I talked with gave it their stamp of approval. Top comedians. And then, well, here we are! But it’s enough, really, it’s gone on long enough. My children…let me tell you, I have the best children. And my wife, Melania, tremendous wife. They got tired of this awhile back. So today seems like the best day to call it. It’s over, folks.”
Trump went on to admit that he borrowed the idea for “winning” as a campaign platform from Charlie Sheen, adding that Sheen was a tremendous guy, and “no one does winning like that guy.”
When asked about what he would do for the remainder of the election year, Trump stated that he might take a vacation for a few weeks, but wouldn’t be completely out of the public eye:
“Are you gonna see less Trump? Sure, for a while. I haven’t had a good steak in months, I had to keep eating these generic label steaks with “Trump” on the box to make it look like I was winning everywhere. These are terrible! And Ben Carson…great guy, but the guy lost because he had to go home for a fresh set of clothes. Tremendous clothes, I know, but I’m gonna get him a wardrobe. He’ll need it!”
Asked whether he would support one of the current candidates in their bid for election, Trump gave one of his trademark non-answers:
“Look, if you’ve kept up with the Trumps for the past couple of decades I think it’s pretty obvious. Obviously I’ve been putting money where it helps my business – tremendous business, by the way, with so much winning – so of course I’m gonna support that. Look, I’m not gonna SAY I’m supporting Hillary Clinton – you can say it, the press can say what they want – by the way, I love you guys, really, I do. You’re all winners. But I’m not gonna say I’ll support Hillary. But really, she’s gonna be winning.”
When reached for comment, RNC chairman Reince Priebus (who continues to deny that his name was another elaborate prank) admitted that most of the leadership had been aware of Trump’s prank for a couple of months now, and hinted that we might hear another announcement soon from a certain governor of Ohio:
“It may be a few weeks in coming – this guy isn’t known for ending things at the right time, so his prank might last another week or two – but we’re confident he’ll get there.”
Kevin Bratcher 